"The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way." ― Marcus Aurelius
This was the day I started my plan to overcome my public speaking anxiety. I had been preparing for this moment for two months, and it was finally here. While I have tried many times before, this time was different; this would be my last attempt.
Over the next 5 months, I would go through the most intense period of learning and fear exposure I’ve done in my life.
I was putting in more than 6 hours of public speaking practice every day, no days off. On weekends, I would sometimes practice for 10 hours straight. I played the Ultraspeaking games so many times that I would dream about them, hallucinating that I was giving a speech while playing one of the games; just to get out of bed and practice more.
It was madness.
But let me back up a bit and explain why this mattered so much. I’ve had this fear for as long as I could remember. I don’t know how or when it started, and honestly, it doesn’t really matter. What matters is that it was holding me back in countless ways. Whether it was my professional or personal life - it felt like it was the biggest thing thing blocking me from what I wanted out of life.
The fear was so intense that I avoided dealing with it for a very long time. But as time went on, it only got worse. It seemed that the more I tried to push it away, the more aggressively it pushed back. A toxic relationship that thrived on negative emotions and a lack of understanding.
Take a typical day at my job as a software engineer, for example. Every day, we have a “stand up” meeting where each team member gives a brief update on their tasks - just a few sentences, no more than 30 seconds.
Yet, I dreaded that meeting.
One day, my anxiety hit harder than usual as the stand up approached. I joined the meeting, and as I waited for my turn, my heart pounded like a drum. Trying to relieve the tension, I unplugged my laptop, carried it, and started pacing around the room. My mouth was dry and I could barely hold my laptop as it slipped off my sweaty palms.
When my manager finally called on me - “Good morning, Iskandar” - I froze. Somehow, I managed to blurt out, “Working on my tasks, no blockers, thank you” but my tongue was tangled in knots and it was barely comprehensible.
I quickly muted myself, threw my laptop onto the bed, and tried to calm my body down.
I couldn’t control my breathing. It might have been a panic attack, I’m not sure, but it definitely wasn’t healthy. I ended up lying in bed for 15 minutes, trying to regain some sense of calm.
What really bothered me afterward was how harshly I judged myself. I thought, “How could I be such an idiot? It’s just a 30 second update!” I had zero sympathy for what was happening. I just kept reprimanding myself for being incompetent and pathetic.
A similar scenario would repeat itself every day for years. It wasn’t sustainable. This wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. I knew I had to make a change.
I’ve tried to overcome the fear in many ways over the past 4 years but was never successful, until last year. But the journey wasn’t straight forward at all. It was filled with ups and downs (mostly downs), but I think that’s what made it all worthwhile.
With that said, below is a glimpse of how my journey unfolded. What worked for me might not work for everyone. I believe that my story is at best an inspiration, and at worst, a distraction. If you’re on a similar journey, I think the path ahead of you is unique and it’s entirely up to you to carve it for yourself.